don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
