My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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