I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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