totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
