the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
