i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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