You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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