Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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