I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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