as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
