The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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