i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
