dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
