I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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