i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
