Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
