I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
