i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
