I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
