you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
