Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
