if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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