Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
