Me. At least after what I've been through.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
