I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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