Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
