Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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