why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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