So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
