you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
