I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
