I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
