Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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