Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
