he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
