if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
