omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
