Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
