I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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