beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
