look no pants
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
