im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
