Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
