i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
