Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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