moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You may now shotgun with the bride
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
