Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
