If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
