my vag is so smooth its legendary
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
