I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
