At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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