Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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